King Arthur's Quest

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

Little Johnny Joke and "Thought for the Day"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. 

Only in America

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Memorial Day Tribute to our Troops

AS AMERICANS WE MUST ALL SHOW SUPPORT FOR THOSE IN THE UNIFORMS OF OUR ARMED FORCES.  AND NEVER DEGRADE THEM IN ANY WAY AS OUR PRESIDENT DID AT A RECENT NEWS CONFERENCE.  PROTECTING THE PRESIDENT WITH A GUN IS ONE THING BUT FORCING A MARINES TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE RAIN IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION.

Biting Dog

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ”Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ”Nope.”

Brave British Soldier, Lee Rigby, hacked to death on London street by two Muslim Terrorist as terrified onlookers watched.

DRUMMER LEE RIGBY, A 25 YEAR OLD MEMBER OF THE THE ROYAL FUSILIERS WAS KILLED ON THE STREETS OF LONDON BY TWO BLACK MUSLIM LOW-LIFE TERRORIST THUGS WHO HACKED HIM TO DEATH IN FRONT OF TERRIFIED ONLOOKERS.  YOU CAN READ MORE ABOUT THIS BRAVE SOLDIER HERE.  AND IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE BELOW VIDEO OF THIS DESPICABLE TERRORIST BELOW PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE AND WATCH.  WARNING IT IS GRAPHIC.

ALSO POSTED AT  OBAMA CARTOONS

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White House Fence Repair or how the Stimulus Plan works!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Girl and Cell Phone

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the girl sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's Erica , I'm on the train.

What not to Name your Dog

Most people name their dogs "Rover" or "Tag".  I called mine SEX.

IRS employess are here to help! And they would never act in a partisan manner.

AMERICANS SHOULD BE SO GRATEFUL THEY HAVE A PRESIDENT THAT RECOGNIZES THE IMPORTANT OF BIG GOVERNMENT.  A MAN WHO KNOWS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE UNABLE TO MAKE IT BY THEMSELVES.  AND CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT THE AID OF DEDICATED PUBLIC SERVANTS IN WASHINGTON.  PEOPLE WHO HAVE SACRIFICED IN ORDER TO PROVIDE FOR THE COMMON GOOD.  SO NEXT TIME, THAT GOVERNMENT AGENT COMING KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR, DON'T FEEL THREATENED BECAUSE THAT CONSCIENTIOUS AND HUMBLE PERSON IS THERE TO HELP YOU.  HEY, IF YOU BELIEVE THAT BULLS**T, I'VE GOT SOME OF THAT HARD TO FIND OCEAN FRONT PROPERTY IN ARIZONA!!!

A Hole Behind

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied " I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"? She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh". "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampex". With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh". "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you"!

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H/T TO  POLITICAL BLEEP

 

IF YOU WANT MORE DETAILS THAT JUST MUDDY THE WATERS GO TO ANOTHER SITE THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU!
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One of My Children

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

The Evils of Drugs

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday".

 

Theory and Reality

One day, this kid came home from school with a homework assignment. His assignment: To tell the class the next day the difference between theory and reality. He asked his father for help. "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?" 

The Love of Football

There was this guy who *LOVED* football. It was his dream to go to the super bowl. One year, he scrimped and saved and cut every corner possible, and he was able to buy a ticket.

Barack Obama aka Sgt. Schultz (I see nothing)

IS THE OBAMA TURNING A BLIND EYE TO WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HIM?  DOES HE REALLY NOT KNOW, OR IS HE JUST HOPING THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL SEE EITHER.  PERHAPS HE IS SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON THE GOLF LINKS AND AT FUNDRAISERS TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON.  BUT EVEN WORSE IS THAT HE REALLY IS A SMART GUY WITH HIS FINGERS ON THE BUTTONS AND IS IN FULL CONTROL OF THE EVENTS SCANDALIZING WASHINGTON.  IN EITHER CASE HE IS MAKING A DAMN MESS OF THINGS.

My Dogs Qualified for Welfare

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

A Marine's Tale

A MARINE WAS DEPLOYED TO AFGHANISTAN.

Happy Mother's Day Hillary Clinton, from the Grieving Mother of a Benghazi Victim.

THE MOTHER OF BENGHAZI VICTIM, SEAN SMITH WISHING HILLARY CLINTON HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.  HILLARY RODNEY CLINTON WAS THE ONE WHO LOOKED SEAN SMITH'S MOTHER IN THE EYE, WHILE STANDING BESIDE HIS COFFIN, WHEN HIS BODY WAS BROUGHT BACK FROM LIBYA AND TOLD THE GRIEVING MOM THAT THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIDEO THAT CAUSED THE ATTACKS ON THE CONSULATE IN BENGHAZI WOULD BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE. 

Ariel Castro, a card-carrying Registered Democrat as well as Rapist Kidnapper!

WE NOW KNOW THAT ARIEL CASTRO IS A REGISTERED DEMOCRAT.  AT A TIME IN OUR HISTORY WHERE THE POLITICAL AFFILIATION OF THOSE COMMITTING CRIMES IS OFTEN EXPOSED BY THOSE IN THE MEDIA IF THEY ARE REPUBLICANS, THE SILENCE OF THE LEFT LEANING MEDIA AS TO CASTRO'S POLITICAL LEANINGS HAS BEEN EXPOSED BY A HANDFUL OF BRAVE CONSERVATIVE BLOGGERS. 

Stain on Hillary Clinton or was it Monica's Dress?

THERE ARE STAINS AND THEN THERE ARE STAINS.  FEW THINGS STICK TO THE CLINTONS, BUT THOSE AROUND THEM ARE NOT SO FORTUNATE.

Making People Happy

FLYING ON AIR FORCE ONE, OBAMA LOOKED AT OPRAH, CHUCKLED AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, I COULD THROW A $1,000 BILL OUT OF THE WINDOW RIGHT NOW AND MAKE SOMEBODY VERY HAPPY".

Alcohol Consumption

Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to *pursue* happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

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Barack and Gang Party at New Orleans Mardi Gras

PARTY TIME IN THE BIG EASY FOR BARACK AND GANG. 

Preacher's Visit

A PREACHER VISITS AN ELDERLY WOMAN FROM HIS CONGREGATION. AS HE SITS ON THE COUCH HE NOTICES A LARGE BOWL OF PEANUTS ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

The Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

Generic name for Viagra

All drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetaminophen. Advil is Ibuprofen, etc For the last few months, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

Fourth Marriage

A woman getting married for the fourth time goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white, you've been married three times already" says the sales clerk.

Today's Bad Idea

Just when you think a person can't get any dumber..... This will cleanse the gene pool a little!