Wednesday, April 4, 2018

The Best Political Satire from TOTUS

FAIR PLAY FOR HOODIE WEARERS ACT 

BOTH PRESIDENT OBAMA AND AL SHARPTON HAVE SUGGESTED THAT CONGRESS APPROPRIATE SOME $263,000,000 TO PROVIDE LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENTS ACROSS THE NATION FUNDS THAT WOULD PROVIDE SOME 50,000 PERSONAL BODY CAMERAS SO THAT THE RACIST ACTS OF WHITE CRACKER OFFICERS CAN BE DOCUMENTED. AT THE SAME TIME REV. AL AND HIS WHITE HOUSE SIDE-KICK ARE CALLING FOR AN ADDITIONAL $500,000,000 TO PROVIDE AN ESTIMATED 1,000,000 INNOCENT BLACK VICTIMS OF POLICE BRUTALITY WITH GUCCI AND GIORGIO ARMANI HOODIES AVAILABLE IN ALL COLORS EXCEPT WHITE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. THE REASON FOR THE HOODIES IS QUITE CLEAR ACCORDING TO PRESIDENT OBAMA. A RIDER HAS BEEN ATTACHED TO THE "FAIR-PLAY FOR HOODIE WEARERS ACT" THAT WOULD ALLOW ERIC HOLDERS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO HAVE COMPLETE EDITORIAL CONTROL OF ANY AND ALL FILM COLLECTED BY POLICE BODY CAMS TO ASSURE "OBAMA-STYLE" TRANSPARENCY. 
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FOLLOWING THEIR CROWNING VICTORY AT MUD BAYOU 
THE ZOMBIE FLAG IS RAISED OVER THE WHITE HOUSE

WITH THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE ACHIEVING IT'S CROWNING VICTORY NEAR MUD BAYOU, OVER THE GOOD OLE BOYS OF DUCK DYNASTY AND OTHER DIE-HARD CONSERVATIVE GROUPS ACROSS THE NATION THE BRAIN-EATING ZOMBIES CELEBRATED THEIR TRIUMPH BY RAISING THE ZOMBIE FLAG OVER THE WHITE HOUSE. MEANWHILE MILLIONS OF LOW GRAY-MATTER AMERICANS JAMMED THE NATIONAL MALL TO SALUTE THEIR NEW NATION UNDER MINDLESS ZOMBIES. A NATION DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED FOR SERVICE TO THEIR ZOMBIE MASTERS. FOLLOWING THE EXCITMENT OF THEIR VICTORY ZOMBIE LEADERS INVITED PRESIDENTIAL PUPPET, BARACK OBAMA, TO A MEETING OF THE UNDEAD CABINET. IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON SOME THAT WITH THE DEATH OF BRAIN RICH AMERICANS THE ZOMBIE HORDES WOULD HAVE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE FOR THEIR SUSTENANCE OR PERISH. THE NEW CABINET VOTED UNANIMOUSLY TO LOWER THE FOOD STANDARDS AND ALLOW THE HARVESTING OF COLLEGE STUDENTS AND SOME SELECT POLITICIANS. THIS, OF COURSE, WAS ONLY A STOP-GAP MEASURE, WHICH WOULD HAVE TO BE EXPANDED IN TIME TO ASSURE AN ADEQUATE FOOD SUPPLY FOR ALL. OBAMA TURNED WHITE, AS HE WITNESSED THE VOTE---REALIZING THAT HE AND HIS WOULD IN TIME BECOME A MEAL FOR THOSE WHOSE CAUSE HE HAD CHAMPIONED. SUCH IS THE FATE OF ALL TYRANTS WHO ARE IN THE END DEVOURED BY THEIR OWN KIND WHEN THEY FINALLY FIGURE OUT THAT NO ONE IS LEFT TO PUNCH THEIR MEAL TICKET. 
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PETA AND WATER GUNS

FOLLOWING THE BEHEADING OF ZIMBAWE'S MOST BELOVED LION, CECIL; THE BENEVOLENT DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED LEADER OF THAT AFRICAN NATION, ROBERT MUGABE, HAS ISSUED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER DECLARING THAT IN THE FUTURE ALL PARTICIPANTS IN LION-HUNTING SAFARI'S BE ARMED ONLY WITH WATER PISTOLS----WITH THE EXCEPTION OF AMERICAN BOY SCOUTS WHO ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CARRY SUCH DEVICES.  AT THIS TIME SOME 53 MEMBERS OF PETA HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THE FIRST SUCH SAFARI ALONG WITH AN UNDISCLOSED NUMBER OF MEMBERS OF THE ACLU AND THE DNC.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT THE NRA (NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION) IS CO-OPERATING WITH PETA AND PLANS TO FUND 90% OF THE COST OF THIS EXPEDITION.  BUT AT THIS TIME NO MEMBERS OF THAT ORGANIZATION HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THE GRAND SAFARI.  THE MOTIVE OF THE NRA REMAINS SOMEWHAT UNCLEAR AT THIS TIME.  HOWEVER, SOME NRA MEMBERS WERE SEEN LAUGHING WHEN THEY EXITED AN EXECUTIVE MEETING OF THAT ORGANIZATION.  MEANWHILE IN WASHINGTON, PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, HIMSELF, HAS INDICATED AN INTEREST IN JOINING THE FIRST SAFARI TO THE ZIMBABWEAN SAVANNAS.  ONE CAN ONLY HOPE!!!!!!!
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    GUN RELOCATION ACT
  
THE "GUN RELOCATION ACT" WAS PASSED BY A DEMOCRAT CONTROLLED SENATE USING THE NUCLEAR OPTION LESS THAT ONE YEAR AFTER THE WORD "ABORTION" WAS DEEMED TO BE POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND REPLACED WITH THE TERM "FETAL RELOCATION".

THIS LANDMARK ACT REQUIRES THAT ALL LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES IMMEDIATELY TURN IN ALL THEIR FIREARMS AFTER WHICH THEY WILL BE GIVEN A "GUN FREE ZONE" PLACK WHICH THEY MUST PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED ON THEIR PROPERTY.  SHORTLY AFTER THE ACT WAS SIGNED INTO LAW SENATE REPUBLICANS AND A FEW DEMOCRATS POINTED OUT A SERIOUS FLAW IN THE NEW LAW.  IT SEEMS THAT THE WORDS "LAW ABIDING CITIZENS" EXEMPTED CRIMINALS AND ILLEGAL ALIENS FROM COMPLYING WITH THE ACT.  AN ATTEMPT TO RECTIFY THIS ERROR WAS DEFEATED IN THE DEMOCRAT CONTROLLED CONGRESS.  AFTER ALL THOSE IN POWER DID NOT WANT TO ANGER  IMPORTANT VOTING BLOCKS IN THEIR BASE (CRIMINALS AND ALIENS).  LESS THAT ONE WEEK AFTER IT ENACTMENT A RESIDENT OF FLORIDA WAS CHARGED UNDER THE NEW LAW.  SEEMS A MAN CAME HOME AND FOUND THREE INTRUDERS RAPING HIS 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.  THE DISTRAUGHT FATHER RETREATED TO ANOTHER ROOM AND LOCATED HIS HIDDEN PISTOL AND RETURNED SHOOTING AND KILLING THE THREE.  THIS MAN WAS FORMALLY CHARGED BY ATTORNEY GENERAL AL SHARPTON'S DOJ AND FACES A 20 YEAR SENTENCE FOR VIOLATION OF THE "GUN RELOCATION ACT"!

FICTIONAL, OF COURSE.  BUT NOT TOO FARFETCHED IF THOSE LIKE THE CURRENT PRESIDENT HAD THEIR WAY.
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THE LAST HUNT OF JUSTICE SCALIA
  
It was the second day of what was planned to be a three day Quail hunt on the sprawling 30,000 acre Cibolo Creek Ranch in the Big Bend section of Texas near the Mexican border.  Earlier that morning Justice Scalia has bagged his third Mexican Quail of the day, complete with backpack.  Although the Justice didn't have a NRA tag for the third one, he decided to keep the border-jumping quail and pay the $.50 fine to NRA authorities before leaving the state.  However, the highlight of the day occurred shortly after noon when Justice Scalia spied that rarest of all critters on the ranch---a Progressive Millennial who had had recently left the indoctrination center at the University of Texas and traveled to the remote Big Bend country, also in search of the border-jumping Mexican quail so he could escort them to a government sanctioned refuge somewhere on the west coast.  Needless to say Scalia took advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity.  Scalia further stated, he would not accept the $10,000 dollar bounty placed on this unwelcome visitor by the Lone Star Republic, but instead donate it to the general funds of "The National Right to Life Committee". And so ended the Last Hunt of Justice Antonin Scalia.



Just a bit of Satire.  We loved the Justice and wish his family well in these difficult days!
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President Trump declares Mount Zion Island in Massachusetts a National Park and will move GITMO detainees there.

It has just been learned that President Trump will soon sign an executive order declaring Mt. Zion Island in Massachusetts the nations newest National Park.  The state had recently made the island a Rattlesnake Refuge for the endangered timber rattler which is on the verge of extinction in the land of "lobsters and liberals".  Sources close to the President have indicated the Executive Order on Mt. Zion Island will be followed by another fulfilling the promise of former President Obama to close GITMO.  The order will mandate the removal of detainees from their tropical Caribbean paradise and a relocation to Mt. Zion.  Trump has specified that only two conditions will apply to the detainees and their new environment.  First all long sticks that could be used as weapons be removed and second, that no detainee will be provided with sandals.  Already most all Republicans senators are applauding this move with the exceptions of John McCain and Lindsey Graham.  The move will occur this spring---a time when the local residents (rattlesnakes) are most active and aggressive as they search for mates.  Of course, the closing of GITMO will take away a recruiting tool of ISIS.  But we will be watching to see if those congressmen and women of the liberal persuasion will declare this Rattlesnake infested island to also be a recruiting poster for those wishing to sign up and kill infidels.  

Sunday, April 1, 2018

WTF: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing

Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers.
Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), ISIS’ Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place.
“It used to be that the promise of 72 virgins in paradise would be enough to motivate any hairy palmed onanist to strap on the vest for us,” the official stated.
However, the increased availability and quality of web and mobile porn has shrunk the pool of the desperate.
The official said that the availability of all types of porn was also causing other problems. “Even when they do volunteer as soon as they learn it’s 72 virgins they bug out. After all who wants to spend all there time in paradise training up a bunch of virgins when what you really want is some hot MILF action‎?”  

Read more.....

Monday, March 26, 2018

Mirrors, Dixie Cups, Barack Obama: Good to last drop!

At a recent speaking engagement in Japan, Barack Obama said that he'd like to spend his post-presidency life mastering the skills to "create a hundred or a thousand or a million young Barack Obamas," and that this terrifying new race "could take the baton in that relay race that is human progress." An idea which causes trained journalists such as ourselves to ask: "is Obama a new James Bond villain, or is he just out of his freaking mind?!" In fairness, he's not actually planning to clone himself that many times, but rather is expressing his fervid desire to use cyber-technology and social media to basically erase the minds and wills of a million young people and reprogram them in his image. Wow, nothing creepy about that!  Read more.....

Sunday, March 25, 2018

News the MSM Trivializes: Terrorist Attack on Travis Air Force Base

Those misguided idiots who control the MSM had rather report on consensual sexual encounters by Donald Trump that occurred over a decade ago, than a terrorist attack on a U.S. military base that they either fail to report or scarcely mention while giving the this old Trump tryst wall to wall coverage.  Now really, what do you think their agenda is? 
 

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Holy Cross University to ban Crusader Knight as Macot, What's next? Changing it's name to "Holy Crescent"!!!

Holy Cross University will ban it's mascot.  The mascot was seen as a symbol of a Christian warrior in the Holy Crusades according to school administrators.  Kind of makes one will the school's name meet the same fate and become "Holy Crescent"!!!

Below is a time line on the events leading to the Crusades,  something progressive revisionist historians would rather forget: