EPA to Initiate Actions of Bear Poop

After an exhaustive study, at a cost of 5 million dollars, to the American taxpayers the EPA has just announced they have found the reason for the shrinking wild rabbit population.  It now appears that global warming has brought about a decrease in tree foliage resulting in fewer leaves on the forest floor.  This extreme environmental  condition has forced both the Grizzly Bear an well as his smaller black bear cousins to resort to a unnatural act following their morning constitutionals.  Bureaucrats at the EPA are looking at two possible solutions to prevent this rabbit holocaust.  They would import massive numbers of leaves from forest areas yet to be effected by man-caused defoliation or else send animal trainers to the remote forest areas armed only with multiple rolls of Charmin and train the bears to perform the unnatural act of wiping their butts.  As of this time no animal trainers have volunteered for this assignment.
Satirical fiction, of course.  But not as strange as the actually regulations coming out of the, all too real, Environmental Protection Agency.  Regulations, that are about to experience sweeping changes under the Trump Administration.  No longer will the minnow-like Delta Smelt be given preference over water rights in California's central valley while farmers see their lands dry-up and blow away.  No longer will a single pair of Spotted Owls  be allowed to destroy the livelihood of hundreds of  lumber-jacks in the great Northwest.  Times are a changing, and the panty waist keyboard tickler's need to suck it up and get use to the new reality.    

Kingdom of the Delta Smelt

HENCEFORTH AND  FOREVER CALIFORNIA'S SPRAWLING SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY WILL BE KNOW AS THE "KINGDOM OF THE DELTA SMELT".  THE TINY DELTA SMELT (HYPOMESUS TRANSPACIFICUS), PRIOR TO IT'S CORONATION AS KING OF THE VALLEY WAS A LOWLY 3" LONG BAIT FISH WITH NO COMMERCIAL VALUE AND SHOWN NO RESPECT BY THE WEALTHY CAPITALISTIC FARMERS OF THAT REGION.  KING SMELT WAS UNMERCIFULLY SUCKED INTO THE MASSIVE PUMPING STATIONS WHERE IT WAS PULVERIZED BY THE MINDLESS COGS OF INDUSTRIALIZATION.  NOW THANKS TO THE EPA (EGOTISTICAL PEOPLES AGENCY), THE KILLER PUMPS LAY DOMINATE.  THE ARROGANT PLANTATION OWNERS IN THE VALLEY HAVE BEEN SUBDUED WITH SOME 2000 OR MORE ABANDONING THEIR FIEFDOMS AND FREEING THOUSANDS OF THEIR SERFS FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER TO RETURN HOME OR THROW THEMSELVES ON THE GENEROUS MERCY OF THE "HANDOUT MASTERS" IN SACRAMENTO.  CRY'S OF "FREE AT LAST" ALONG WITH "LONG LIVE THE KING" CAN BE HEARD FROM THOSE WHO TOILED IN THE FIELDS.  FIELDS THAT NOW LAY PARCHED AND BARREN WHILE KING SMELT IS FREE TO TRAVEL THE WATERS COMING FROM NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AS THEY WIND THEIR WAY TO THE OCEAN.
BY RON RUSSELL THAT'S ME!