Reporter: Where were you born?
Harambe: In the Bwindi Forest in Uganda.
Reporter: What is the first thing you remember?
Harambe: Being ripped from my dead mother's arms after a native poacher shot her and dad!
Reporter: How was your trip to America?
Harambe: The cage was too small and I didn't have a porthole view!
Reporter: Were you treated well at the Cincinnati Zoo? Harambe: I was forced to look at the same things everyday. You know, the bars, the wall, and the moat. And, of course, the gawking stares of humans just like the ones who killed mom and dad in Uganda!
Reporter: Some have said you were only trying to protect the little boy who fell into your habitat. Is that true?
Harambe: WTF! Do you really believe we are all that stupid!!!!
Some of my readers have pointed out that Harambe was born in captivity and not in the jungles of Uganda. I realize this. However this is satire and not intended to be a news article. That said, instead of using the phrase "born in captivity" let's use the more descriptive one, "born into captivity"!