|"IF YOU RUN NAKED, AROUND A TREE, AT A SPEED OF 185,999 MILES/SECOND, THERE IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY OF F**KING YOURSELF. OR, YOU CAN VOTE FOR OBAMA TO OBTAIN THE EXACT SAME EFFECT."|
2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
3. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
4. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
5. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing!
6. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
7. An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
8. Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
9. A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
10. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!
11. An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'