Obama Loves Pork

by Ron Russell

Recently, according to inside White House sources, Barack and Michelle upon visiting the sprawling White House freezer decided it was in serious need of re-stocking. So together the two set down and made out a grocery list containing the following items: watermelons, ham hocks, tripe, chittlins, hominey, chicken wings, malt liquor, grits, pickled pigs feet, and hog jowls. Guess this settles the issue of him being a closet Muslim. But then we all knew that he loves "Pork".

They presented the list to several Secret Service agents and sent them on their way to a market in Georgetown. Upon arrival at the grocery the agents began the task of filling the Presidents order. First they approached the watermelons and gathered up a quality of these tasty melons--noting they came from Mississippi (the president didn't have to know this, they thought-so they carefully removed the stickers). Next, they found the illusive ham hocks (gross they thought), and gathered in three times as many of the unsightly things as they had the watermelons. Next, was a hard to find item, the tripe (wondering what it was they scooped up four times as many packages of the tripe as they had watermelons in there fast filling baskets. Then it was on to the chittlins (they didn't have a clue what they were getting by this time) upon finding the little critters they quickly gathered up half the number of them as they had the tripe. Down the aisle they continued to the canned hominey, gathering up twice as many cans of this awful looking stuff as they had watermelons. Then it was on to the chicken wings, there they hauled in twice as many packages of wings as they had tripe. Down the aisle farther they found the 16 ounce cans of Malt Liquor gathering in an astounding number of cases---three times as many cases of Malt Liquor as compared to the number of packages of tripe. Whats a grit, they found them on isle 3 and proceed to gather three times as many boxes of grits that of the number of melons they had. The buggies were getting full, but being loyal Americans they continue on filling the order of Barak. Next they came across the pickled pigs feet--they recoiled--but grabbed up an astounding number of jars of the strange looking things, a number equal to four times the number of boxes of tripe they had captured earlier in their great expedition. Finally, they were standing in front of the infamous hog jowls and scooped up a number equal to three times the number of melons they had.

Not quite the end of the story. While in the store next to the George Washington University the agent's, being the trained men they are, took note on all the going on around them. During their trips up and down the aisles they heard the word "hoes" twice as many times as the number of melons in their baskets. And the word "mother-fuc...kers" was over heard twice as much as "hoes". Finally, the word "dude" was used an astounding number of times twice as much as "MF's". When they got back to the White House they were amazed at the numbers. Counting all the grocery items and the times "hoes, MF's, and Dude" were used the number was 2479.

My question is this: how many items of each was purchased and how many times were the three words used---yes there is an answer. The bigger question is this. How in the hell can anyone keep up with the spending in a trillion $1,000,000,000,000 dollar stimulus bill laden with more pork than Barack's and Michelle's grocery list. If you should figure this out and its not that difficult leave answer in comment box.