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Sunday, September 4, 2016

Mexican Bean Eaters pose Threat to Environment according to study done by S.H.I.T.

With almost everything from the rising ocean levels, to terrorism  being blamed on the emission of  greenhouse gases I felt it necessary to write the below satirical piece on the subject.  I recall Jonathan Swift's, Gulliver's Travels where Gulliver found himself in the land of the little people (Lilliputians) who had a great civil war over the central issue of "which end to break an egg on".  Swift is simply pointing out the petty conflicts of men and uses the "Little People of Lilliput" to illustrate his position.  Satire is just poking fun in order to make a point! 

A recent study done at the prestigious Sam Houston Institution of Technology better know as
S.H.I.T. has found that flagellant emissions by Vegan's was three times higher than that of people who have a mixed diet of meat and vegetables. The extensive study was conducted over a five year period and included the participation of some 5,000 volunteers divided evenly between meat-eaters and non-meat eaters. Some environmentalist groups and P.E.T.A. located in San Francisco are already questioning the legitimacy of this report claiming that S.H.I.T. has large endowments from wealthy cattle ranchers, adding this report does not pass the smell test. Additionally, F.A.R.T. the Federal Association of Retired Tomato-growers has condemned the report. However, members of the Board of Regents at S.H.I.T. are standing by the results. Furthermore they are now claiming that by eating meat people are, in fact, cutting down on green house gas emissions countering the argument by environmental groups that livestock are contributing to global warming and therefore should be taxed accordingly. Scientist at S.H.I.T. point out a well know fact to back up their findings, "Bean-eaters fart more than Big Mac eaters".
 

Meanwhile inside sources at the White House indicate many of the staff are in disarray over the contents of this reports with some staffers and interns calling for a separate eating areas for the Vegans in the cafeteria and a designated Vegan break areas outside. As usually the President hasn't yet taken a position on these rapidly developing events. The situation on Capital Hill is about the same with some meat-eating Senators demanding Vegans be excluded from certain "closed door hearings". Things appear to be spinning out of control as both sides harden their positions. A few of the meat-eating Senators are now calling for a special tax to be levied on all beans sold in the country to buy carbon credits. The senior senator from Texas is planning to introduce a bill calling for a nationwide ban on Vegans in all public eating places, and in all closed places where large crowd gather.
Again the President's position is unclear on this fast moving story. Outside the White House protesters from both sides are gathering with those on the Vegan side hurling unseen missiles at the meat-eaters! Capital police with gas masks have be observed arresting some of the Vegans and hauling them off in Hazmat vehicles. As this situation unfolds trading on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange has been wild with cattle futures soaring while bean futures are tumbling with most other commodities remaining stable. Meanwhile the man on the street was saying these stinking politicians have finally been exposed and he was grateful to S.H.I.T.


Although President Obama's public position remains neutral some White House correspondences report overhearing some muffled remarks yesterday as the president left the safety of the Oval Office. The meaning of these unguarded remarks is yet to be aired.


3 comments:

Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha. You crack me up.

Have a fabulous day Ron. ☺

Timothy Hecht said...

These reports are causing a real shitstorm.

Kid said...

Vegans ARE the problem. Every one I've known is a communist. Apparently a non-balanced diet results in SHIT for brains as well.
And may I suggest that we don't like that shit, we're not going to take that shit, and this shit has got to go.