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Friday, August 7, 2009

S.H.I.T. vs. P.E.T.A.

A recent study done at the prestigious Sam Houston Institution of Technology better know as S.H.I.T. has found that flagellant emissions by Veegan's was three times higher than that of people who have a mixed diet of meat and vegetables. The extensive study was conducted over a five year period and included the participation of some 5,000 volunteers divided evenly between meat-eaters and non-meat eaters. Some environmentalist groups and P.E.T.A. located in San Francisco are already questioning the legitimacy of this report claiming that S.H.I.T. has large endowments from wealthy cattle ranchers, adding this report does not pass the smell test. Additionally, F.A.R.T. the Federal Association of Retired Tomato-growers has condemned the report. However, members of the Board of Regents at S.H.I.T. are standing by the results. Furthermore they are now claiming that by eating meat people are, in fact, cutting down on green house gas emissions countering the argument by environmental groups that livestock are contributing to global warming and therefore should be taxed accordingly. Scientist at S.H.I.T. point out a well know fact to back up their findings, "Bean-eaters fart more than Big Mac eaters".

Meanwhile inside sources at the White House indicate many of the staff are in disarray over the contents of this reports with some staffers and interns calling for a separate eating areas for the Veegans in the cafeteria and a designated Veegan break areas outside. As usually the President hasn't yet taken a position on these rapidly developing events. The situation on Capital Hill is about the same with some meat-eating Senators demanding Veegans be excluded from certain "closed door hearings". Things appear to be spinning out of control as both sides harden their positions. A few of the meat-eating Senators are now calling for a special tax to be levied on all beans sold in the country to buy carbon credits. The senior senator from Texas is planning to introduce a bill calling for a nationwide ban on Veegans in all public eating places, and in all closed places where large crowd gather. Again the President's position is unclear on this fast moving story. Outside the White House protesters from both sides are gathering with those on the Veegan side hurling unseen missiles at the meat-eaters! Capital police with gas masks have be observed arresting some of the Veegans and hauling them off in Hasmat vehicles. As this situation unfolds trading on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange has been wild with cattle futures soaring while bean futures are tumbling with most other commodities remaining stable. Meanwhile the man on the street was saying these stinking politicians have finally been exposed and he was grateful to S.H.I.T.

Although President Obama's public position remains neutral some White House correspondences report overhearing some muffled remarks yesterday as the president left the safety of his TOTUS. The meaning of these unguarded remarks is yet to be aired.

by Ron Russell

13 comments:

hbl said...

You think that's something. I vaguely remember an article about a "scientist" that was excavating a cave in--North Dakota?--where he collected poop on various levels and ran them through a gas chromatograph.

Those samples he was sure came from a vegetarian group "smelled sweet with hints of anise." Other samples from--he assured us--from meat-eating cultures had a foul smell.

I suspect he was a pretty fart smeller--er--pretty smart feller?

Dr. Dave said...

I highly suspect you stole this from an espisode of South Park. You should be ashamed. Scatology is so...un-American. I'm reporting you to fag@whitehouse.gov.Oh, my! Did I say "fag"? I meant to say flag@whitehouse.gov.

Ron Russell said...

S.H.I.T. was from an old joke my father told me many years ago about Rice Univ. in Houston. Yep, the story is from my twisted mind, but turn me in anyway---please.

Debbie said...

You outdid yourself on this one. As to the President and family, they are MEAT eaters, out for hamburgers, Kobi beef for friends at $100.00 a pound, no way he's going to live on nuts and roots (or beans) cause as he loves to tell us (like we don't know) ... "He's the President."

Deborah F. Hamilton
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

Thomas said...

Funny. Thanks for the morning laugh.

Grouch

Mr Pink Eyes said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Stogie said...

Ron, this was disgusting, vulgar and beneath the pale. I loved it!!!

The humor was very clever but I was most impressed with this: it was very well written. You can write, my friend!

Nickie Goomba said...

Green leafy vegetables will kill us all. It is spoken!

Clifton B said...

I always knew Vegans were full of hot air and this proves it! LOL

elvistheoriginalterminator said...

hahaha ....... reminds me of Ben Franklins "Fart Proudly" essay!

Bitmap said...

I liked it so well I printed a copy for my office wall. I heard that the Caucus of Ranchers And Producers (C.R.A.P.) were upset that they weren't mentioned.

birdlady said...

Ron, I know you personally; you are a clever, well informed man.
I enjoyed this; 60 minutes needs to give you a time slot beside Andy Rooney's............only on their sensored cable network.

Ron Russell said...

Thanks for the visit Birdlady, I know you too!